Fine Apparel
for Idiots.
Funny shirts for people who peaked online. Sizes S–3XL, printed on cotton that can take a joke.
Straight Off the Press
New Arrivals
Fresh off the press — the newest additions to the catalogue.
Today’s Board
Pick a Shelf
Six shelves, all of them a confession of some kind. Here are three.
As Worn By Idiots
Caught in public
No staged models and no stock photography — the only photos that go on this site are ones you send us. Wear it somewhere inadvisable and we’ll put you up.
Send us yours
Errata
Printing mistakes we stand behind
Every so often something goes to print wrong and comes back better. We don’t pulp those. We number them, sell them, and refuse to correct the record.
See the misprints
About Schmucks
Fine Apparel
Heavyweight 100% US cotton, ribbed collar, double-needle hems, printed to order. The shirt is the part we refuse to cheap out on, because the joke only works if the garment survives it.
What it’s made of →For Idiots
Ours is an affectionate slur. The customer is in on it — every design assumes you already know the worst thing about yourself and have made peace with wearing it in public.
Browse the evidence →Since Recently
There is a heritage story involving a deli, a mishearing, and forty accidental shirts. It is not true in any way a lawyer would recognise, but we tell it anyway.
Read the lore →Membership Card
Community of Idiots
Drops land weekly and the good ones go first. Put your email on the card and we’ll tell you before the smart people find out.
- Member no.
- Assigned on arrival
- Benefits
- Early word on drops
- Dues
- None. Obviously.