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★PRINTED TO ORDER — NOTHING SITS IN A WAREHOUSE★
SCHMUCKSSCHMUCKS

Catalogue No. 001

The Lookbook

Laid out like the mail-order catalogues nobody asked us to imitate. Every plate is a real shirt, unisex S–3XL, and every one of them is shoppable.

Plate I01
I DROPPED THE HOT TRAY AT MY COUSIN'S WEDDING AND LEFT — Schmucks · N°. 016
Fig. 1aI DROPPED THE HOT TRAY AT MY COUSIN'S WEDDING AND LEFT
$42.00

Said Out Loud

The admissions section. Worn best with an expression that suggests you meant it, and a jacket you can close in a hurry.

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I TOLD THE WAITER 'YOU TOO' AND MOVED CITIES — Schmucks · N°. 017
Fig. 1b
I RETURNED SOMETHING WITHOUT THE RECEIPT AND FELT ALIVE FOR ONCE — Schmucks · N°. 037
Fig. 1c
I TOOK 11 ITEMS INTO THE 10-ITEM LANE. NO REGRETS. — Schmucks · N°. 038
Fig. 1d
My Wife Left Me After I Sat On My Gun Weird And Blew My Entire Dick And Balls Off At The Old Country Store — Schmucks · N°. 154
Fig. 1e
Plate II02
I Am Afraid Of Women — Schmucks · N°. 043
Fig. 2aI Am Afraid Of Women
$42.00

Courtship & Related Errors

Garments for the pursuit of another person. Historically effective in the way a sandwich board is effective.

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I Get Nervous Around Girls — Schmucks · N°. 044
Fig. 2b
Why I'm Single — Schmucks · N°. 058
Fig. 2c
I Love My Girlfriend — Schmucks · N°. 059
Fig. 2d
I'm A Slut For My Girlfriend — Schmucks · N°. 060
Fig. 2e
Plate III03
Two Seater — Schmucks · N°. 045
Fig. 3aTwo Seater
$42.00

The Vices Department

Habits, rendered in cotton. Our largest department, which we have decided not to think about too hard.

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War Bad Boobs Good — Schmucks · N°. 046
Fig. 3b
I ❤ My Girlfriend's Toes — Schmucks · N°. 062
Fig. 3c
I ❤ My Boyfriend's Toes — Schmucks · N°. 063
Fig. 3d
I Miss My Girlfriend's Toes — Schmucks · N°. 064
Fig. 3e
SCHMUCKS • FINE APPAREL FOR IDIOTS •

All garments printed to order. Colours photographed as accurately as a screen allows. Sizes S–3XL. Prices as marked, in the currency your checkout says.

Shop the Catalogue

Everything on these pages

I Peaked At My Own Birthday Party (Age 9)

I Peaked At My Own Birthday Party (Age 9)

N°. 394
$42.00
I Gave A Eulogy And Plugged My Instagram

I Gave A Eulogy And Plugged My Instagram

N°. 393
$42.00
My Group Chat Has A Group Chat Without Me

My Group Chat Has A Group Chat Without Me

N°. 392
$42.00
I Got Community Noted In Real Life

I Got Community Noted In Real Life

N°. 391
$42.00
I Won An Argument With My Therapist (She Billed Me Extra)

I Won An Argument With My Therapist (She Billed Me Extra)

N°. 390
$42.00
I Told My Barber "Do Whatever" And Paid For It Twice

I Told My Barber "Do Whatever" And Paid For It Twice

N°. 389
$42.00
My Sleep Paralysis Demon Filed A Complaint

My Sleep Paralysis Demon Filed A Complaint

N°. 388
$42.00
I Got Dumped In A Costco Parking Lot And Still Went Inside

I Got Dumped In A Costco Parking Lot And Still Went Inside

N°. 387
$42.00
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